DNA

I was inspired by Lizzo to share the results of my recent genetic testing. "I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m..."

  • 5% Rediwhip, sprayed directly from the can into my mouth

  • 10% childish giggling anytime someone says “pianist”

  • 35% excruciatingly detailed memories of past mistakes

  • 5% accidental reply-all email responses that include the poop or eggplant emoji 💩🍆

  • 4% craft supplies (but only .05% *finished* projects)

  • 8% misheard 80s song lyrics (“Sweet dreams are made of bees” "I touched the raisins in Africa")

  • 1% failed attempts to properly land the “up dogg” joke

  • 3% ramming into the curb while parking

  • 2% Golden Girls re-reruns

  • 1% coupons I forgot to use

  • 15% late arrivals

  • 11% sarcastic comments

2019