On My Vanity

Confession: I stayed with John in the hospital for the first 2 weeks of chemo and I still haven't unpacked my toiletry travel bag from then. I just plopped it on the vanity in the bathroom when I got home in December and have been using stuff from it ever since. Every day I think, "Damn, I need to properly unpack. It's <insert month, followed by feelings of guilt and shame>." But there doesn't seem to be enough time in each day. Cancer is so hard. And the stakes are terrifyingly high. One morning during John's 3rd round of chemo, I went to the hospital before work to surprise him with a latte with cinnamon powder (his fave.) As I was leaving, there was a gentleman pushing a gurney down the hallway. It took me a moment or two to realize an oncology patient who'd recently died was under the sheet on the gurney. I stopped in my tracks, hung my head, and let the gentleman board the elevator while I hung back. I understand that's a part of what happens in hospitals but still, every time I encounter it, it shatters me to pieces. From the sidelines, I've watched families hold vigil as their loved ones left the world. I heard a sweet little boy wail in the hallway, "Why does Grandma have to go??" It's very strange to feel so impassioned about John surviving while the person next door is dying. I don't have an elegant way to package that in silky-bowed rhetoric. It just is. And it's hard. So I pray for those families to find peace.

In the meantime, I've discovered I could make a solid living making up words. Two recent gems that were SHOCKINGLY not acceptable to Words with Friends:

lay·dar \ˈlāy-ˌdär\
: A method for determining when you will engage in sexual intercourse

: Art made from trash

I mean... ;)

My Mom recently came to town to help out and it was wonderful. She'd been offering for ages but I kept thinking I should wait for an emergency. I realize now how absurd that is. Especially during the weeks when John's in the hospital for chemo, it helps to have support at home. 

And speaking of girl power, I got these Power & Light totes for my Mary & my Mom and I love 'em!